My Bloody Valentine 3D

I eat a lot of crap from my friends because I have a hard time turning off my brain and enjoying the stupid things in the world. I gotta analyze everything, gotta figure out what societal message it conveys, what it all means. As a result, my blog posts tend to be significantly longer and more fakeademic than most.

This works to my disadvantage with My Bloody Valentine, which divides me pretty deeply between my can't-enjoy-anything analytical side and my hrrrrboobs side. Let's give each a shot:

It's Good, It's Really Good:

But was it Jensen Ackles good?

Not really. Ackles, a charismatic type, was given a darker and more brooding role. This doesn't exactly play to his strengths as an actor. I may be a little tainted in my perception, seeing as how I'm pathologically obsessed with Supernatural, but he's still more Dean than Sam.

Also, the movie ain't exactly perfect. Call me a simpleton, but I prefer slasher movies without a mystery around the killer's identity. There's no real effort to build a mystery, no logical clue path for a person to follow. Instead, we get a series of overlapping red-herrings that frustrate the viewer until the final girl winds up trapped with someone she trusts only to discover ohmygod he's the killer. This becomes especially frustrating because some of the red herrings clearly rely on scenes that have been cut from the feature.

This is definitely one of those big-screen movies. The three-dee effects were a lot of fun and make for a nifty film-going experience. Once that goes away, and once the movie can't tower over you on the screen, the weaknesses of the story's narrative come to the fore. Chiefly, there's a bunch of boring small-town drama between the stalker scenes.

Anyway, that's my overly critical impossible-to-please side. Let's get to the cackling fanboy side.

Teh Awesomes!

Okay, first, props to the funny guy in my theater who kept the running commentary. Slasher flicks don't need the overly serious group of dour theater-goers like you see in the Oscar-bait theaters. I want people to laugh and boo and shout shit at the screen and get a little rowdy rowdy.

Dude, this shit was NUTS!!! Midgets get pinned to ceilings! Naked chicks! Pickaxe root canals! A body bumping around in a dryer! Scary miners with Darth Vader respirators! EYEBALLS POPPING OUT IN THREE DEE!! If you can't have fun with this movie, there's something wrong with you.

30 year old me demands less potholes and more logical cohesion. 13 year old me had a blast.

Go check out Final Girl's review here.